Paul
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Post by Paul on Aug 16, 2022 20:52:09 GMT
So I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for a couple of months and things have been going great, we haven’t had any real issues and we’ve defo been in the honeymoon phase. She’s the first proper girlfriend I’ve had in years so I’ve just been trying to do everything right by her. She’s on antidepressants and lives with her grandparents, her grandad has had a stroke and so she has to do a lot of the cooking in the house. She has to look after her Nan on the other side a couple of times a week as she’s not well and look after her uncle’s kid a couple of times a week as well. All this added onto working full time and it’s hard for her to find a balance where I fit in but we still manage to see each other a few times a week
On Friday I went to her house for food and we were then supposed to be coming back to mine but her mum was in a friend’s house and invited us round for a few drinks. We went round, made some plans for this week including meeting her dad for the first time (supposed to be tomorrow) as well as a couple of other things. I get on really well with her family likewise her with my family. On Saturday she woke up to find out her sister’s dad had died suddenly and it’s thrown everything into chaos. On top of her other responsibilities she now has to see over her sister who lives at the other end of Liverpool. Her great uncle died recently as well and so did her best friend’s mum, so she’s got 3 funerals to go to and she’s just been really overwhelmed. I’ve tried to reassure her that our plans aren’t too important but still tried to be there for her, she’s always responded with things like “I’m fine I just need to get myself through times like this on my own” so I’ve tried to keep the conversation away from that but she’s been pretty distant
She’s said to me this evening that she needs space and I’m glad she’s finally been explicit about saying that but I’m worried that me being a bit clingy over the last few days has ruined things. I’ve had terrible luck with relationships in the last 5 years and I really like this one, she’s the first one I’ve said ‘I love you’ to in years and we’ve got plans coming up. We had an event in town Friday which she said we’ll still go to together if she ends up going but I don’t know under what guise we’d be going. We’ve got a trip to London sorted in October and we’ve been talking about holidays abroad in the new year and everything so I’m panicking that I’ve fucked this now
I have bad experiences of the phrase ‘I need space’ so just wondering what that means to anyone else and what you’d be thinking in my shoes (obviously not knowing everything about the relationship)
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Post by Today I feel Uruguay on Aug 17, 2022 0:53:55 GMT
I think I was always a bit too literal with that sort of thing when I was in a relationship. Might have been an autism thing but very much "you say you want 'X' you shall have 'X'" but I realise now there is probably a bit more nuance in "I need space" now. That sounds like so so much to deal with at one time so I imagine they will be looking to you if they have feelings for you. What is it that makes you think you've ruined things? Or is it more so you feel the circumstance has ruined it more than your actions?
When I was with my partner she would often get upset and cry when we would try to talk about difficult things and it would make an end to the conversation. So we ended up never getting back to what we needed to sort, bottled things up, then hit breaking point and ended a 5 year relationship. It's obviously a little different with it being something so long term to what you have now but it sounds like you're trying your best to do what is right so I guess the only advice I can give is keep in contact, and expect the odd cancelled plan but don't let it stop you making them.
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Post by The Quito Diet on Aug 17, 2022 7:29:47 GMT
My gut instinct reading that is that she just wants a bit of time to be able to focus on her family. Doesn't sound terminal to the relationship by any means - all you can do is give her space, check in with her and make sure she's alright and let her come back when she's ready.
Gonna be a shit few days/weeks for you because I know how the mind will work and you'll always create your own worst case scenarios through over analysing. But all you can do is be available if she needs you.
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Paul
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Post by Paul on Aug 17, 2022 8:16:11 GMT
Both of those posts have reassured me a bit but I’m still gonna be mopey for a while. As it stands we’re still going out on Friday but I’m expecting that to be cancelled. I’ve always said to her to prioritise her family over me but she’s always been insistent that when she had free time we would spend it together so it’s just a shock to my system for it to go the other way now
I am really hopeful it’s not terminal and once the dust settles we can just go back to normal. I think it’s my own insecurities that have got me convinced that this is the end when she’s given no indication really that she wants it to end. I think we’re a little far down the line, with me having met all of her family other than her dad, for her to say she’s ‘not ready’ for a relationship because we’re firmly in one at this point
I’ve said to her I’ll wait for her to get back in touch when she’s ready so I might just check in once a day even just to say good morning or goodnight and leave it at that just so she knows I haven’t completely abandoned her in a desperate time
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Paul
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Post by Paul on Aug 19, 2022 14:14:22 GMT
She ended it this morning by text
Went from anxious at first the angry and now I’m just in a pit of despair, I’ve just skipped most of the stages of grief
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Post by The Quito Diet on Aug 19, 2022 18:19:08 GMT
Well that's shit. She give you any reason why?
Easy to say in my shoes but don't spend the next few days asking yourself could I/should I have done anything differently.
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Paul
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Post by Paul on Aug 19, 2022 18:34:17 GMT
She said that she needed to be on her own because she couldn’t handle any additional stress or worry. Which is honestly a load of shite I’d never given her anything to worry about and had always told her to prioritise others without pushing me away
I’ve been an absolute wreck this afternoon like I could only keep a brave face for so long in front of my mum and just broke down completely. I don’t think she realises how much belief I had in this relationship especially given how she seemed to be on the same wavelength as me but a switch has just flipped in the last 3/4 days
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Post by The Quito Diet on Aug 19, 2022 18:41:52 GMT
With a lot going on maybe she was worried about giving you the time needed to make it work?
From how deep it sounds, maybe worth checking in with her after the weekend and see if it's worth going for a drink to talk it through - if nothing else you'll get closure.
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Simon
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Post by Simon on Aug 19, 2022 20:19:18 GMT
Try not to take the break up personally Paul, from what you've described she has an awful lot on her plate and from the outside sounds like she just does not have the headspace to be involved in a fairly new relationship right now.
You said yourself she lives with her grandparents, one of which has had a stroke so she has to do a lot around the house; she also looks after another grandparent a couple times a week, also looks after her uncles kids a couple times a week and that's still with her working full time. Then on top of all that she's had another sudden bereavement in the family, 3 funerals coming up, and she's already on anti-depressants. That's a hell of a lot for one person to be dealing with.
A healthy relationship requires at minimum two things - time and effort. If someone has personal things going on that drains those 2 things, then even being with someone who wants to he supportive and understanding can be just an additional stressor. Some people will draw strength from a new relationship in difficult times like this and having someone to support them, others will need to prioritise themselves and feel they can't offer anything to another person in such a time and need to focus on their own situation by themselves, rather than make a new relationship work.
From what you've described that could be what's happening here. In which case this has come about due to very unfortunate circumstances, but is ultimately nothing to do with anything you have or haven't done. It's still going to feel like shit, but as I say try not to take it as a personal thing, it sounds like she does just need time with her family and to get her own life together a bit.
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Paul
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Post by Paul on Aug 20, 2022 17:23:14 GMT
I know, my head’s just really up my arse at the minute. Thankfully had 3 people from twitter reach out to me after I’d posted that I was struggling. One a complete stranger who was saying we could go for a drink if needed. Can’t even quantify how much that has meant. I’ve obviously reached out to a few mates as well
I almost feel cheeky feeling how I do for what was only 2 months but I’ve felt less in relationships of 2+ years than I did in those couple of months. Just going through things now trying to get refunds for the London trip and asking her for money makes me feel like a dick but it helps knowing that once that’s out of the way we won’t need to talk again and she can have her space and I can start to move on
I actually went on a dating app just as a confidence boost more than anything and matched with a girl who asked how I was, common courtesy question and I completely crumbled. Said I was fine and just enjoying a quiet weekend after a hectic week. Then my conscience kicked in like Dr Dre and I had to say to her that I’d just come out of a relationship and shouldn’t even be on the app because I don’t have the emotional capacity for it then wished her well which made me feel even worse for a minute but helped me realise that they’re not what I need at all right now
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Hogan
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Post by Hogan on Aug 21, 2022 15:48:38 GMT
I'll go for a drink paul
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Exonerator
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Post by Exonerator on Aug 23, 2022 23:17:56 GMT
Me too.
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Post by Today I feel Uruguay on Aug 24, 2022 16:34:43 GMT
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Post by g7vikings on Aug 24, 2022 21:25:19 GMT
SNC Liverpool: Get Paul a Girl
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Exonerator
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Post by Exonerator on Aug 24, 2022 22:34:59 GMT
Bit of a trek for you, lad, that's dedication to the SNC cause.
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