Cashis
Manager
Posts: 24,252
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Team: Arsenal
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Post by Cashis on Jun 3, 2014 11:01:32 GMT
Betting odds (to qualify); Argentina 1/4 Bosnia - Hercegovina 6/1 Nigeria 8/1 Iran 33/1
Summary; As with Brazil and their group, it won't be a case of if Argentina win this group but how good they look in doing so. The fight for second is closer with the bookies than it is with most pundits, possibly due to the number of millionaires in Nigeria who've given up on trying to give their wealth to random British citizens via e-mail and instead have lumped on 9JA to qualify. iRan (ta Ooter) will be the alsoRan's.
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Cashis
Manager
Posts: 24,252
Likes: 7,295
Team: Arsenal
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Post by Cashis on Jun 3, 2014 11:02:26 GMT
The Argies Manager: Alejandro Sabella Squad Goalkeepers: Sergio Romero, Mariano Andujar, Agustin Orion Defenders: Pablo Zabaleta, Hugo Campagnaro, Ezequiel Garay, Federico Fernandez, Nicolas Otamendi, Martin Demichelis, Marcos Rojo, Jose Maria Basanta Midfielders: Maximiliano Rodriguez, Augusto Fernandez, Enzo Perez, Fernando Gago, Lucas Biglia, Javier Mascherano, Ever Banega, Angel Di Maria, Ricardo Alvarez, Jose Sosa Forwards: Sergio Aguero, Gonzalo Higuain, Ezequiel Lavezzi, Rodrigo Palacio, Lionel Messi Along with Germany, Argentina fill the role of nation who we think hates us more than they actually do. This one sided dislike may be due to the one sided history of Argentina being cheats, divers and all round horrible bastards while we remain complete angels, just ask Mauricio Pochettino current Southampton/Tottenham manager (delete based on date.) As of the last few years the English dislike may have dropped slightly due to the large amount of Argentinian imports; you’ve got those with brilliant hairstyles such as Coloccini and Jonas Gutierrez, those that look slightly like monsters such as Tevez, your ‘ard bastards like Zabaleta and Demichelis and those that bring joy through their talent alone such as Sergio Aguero and of course Erik Lamela. Moving on to the squad I first noticed that I knew none of their keepers and then was dismayed to find out that apparently someone called Willy Caballero is not, as he might have been, in the squad. Thus reducing the ability to use my amazing range of penis jokes or my smaller yet equally as funny (much like my penis) range of jokes based on the fact that Willy sounds a bit like will he? A sample of this could for instance be designed as a conversation between two people one of which asserts that Caballero will start in goal to which the reply of “Willy?” is misunderstood as questioning this assertion thus leading to hilarious vaudevillian Abbot and Costello style hijinks. Unfortunately, none of the defenders feature such brilliant names for hijinks unless you were to create a tenuous stretch with the name Hugo, although if no commentator says “Hugo’s there” then they are missing out on some grade-A quality material. Moving onto the rest of the defence we see Manchester City’s Pablo Zabaleta and Martin Demichelis and Football Manager 2008’s Ezequiel Garay who featured solid 16’s for Heading, Tackling and Marking. Further across the defence we see Basanta, which sounds a bit like Bad Santa, a movie which featured Bernie Mac (Rest In Peace) best known for being the black guy in Hollywood that isn’t Chris Rock, a distinction not shared by Basanta due to the fact that he is white. Moving into midfield we finally see why Argentina are considered actually quite good. Starting off with Maxi Rodriguez scorer of one of the finest World Cup goals of all time. We also see all round mad bugger Javier Mascherano who seems to channel the spirit of Diego Simeone every game he can (this was written prior to the events of the Champions League Final) extra time and so I withdraw this as no-one is that mental. Along with Javier we see fellow defensive midfielders and useful mid-to-late 2000’s Football manager players Ever Banega and Fernando Gago. Angel di Maria will also go, best known for diving and assisting Gareth Bale. Finally in midfield we see Chief Keef’s brother Jose. Eventually we reach the Kevin Keeganesque attack to end all attacks. First up we get a Premier League winner in Sergio Aguero, he of the terrible attempts at humour on the back of football shirts. Next up is the man who potentially could have been the missing link for Arsenal this year. In fact if you search Higuain into Google Images the most common additional search is Arsenal, which I choose to find fucking hilarious. Ezequiel Lavezzi has a glorious beard, just fucking beautiful. Palacios had a rat tail at one point which instantly makes me suspicious of him and on edge for him faking his own death by chopping off a finger, potentially after ratting out one of his best mates, and while we’re on the topic must we continue the bullshit about only Slytherin having evil wizards? We clearly see that Quirrell, of Ravenclaw, and Pettigrew, of Gryffindor, are evil. And even if you were one of those duped into thinking Black killed Pettigrew then Black is also in Gryffindor. This nonsensical propaganda about only Slytherin having evil wizards is insidious and dangerous, and I won’t stand for it. Talking of wizards (see, I made it fucking work, didn’t I?) Lionel Messi lacks one great honour. Beating Stoke on rainy Tuesday night! However, avoiding worn-out and no longer funny jokes he also lacks a World Cup, or even a World Cup goal. He’ll be hoping to lead this top heavy side all the way, and if so he may just prove himself to be the true ‘next Maradona.’ This post brought to you by allah
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Cashis
Manager
Posts: 24,252
Likes: 7,295
Team: Arsenal
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Post by Cashis on Jun 3, 2014 11:03:03 GMT
WARNING: LADS ON TOUR BRAZIL 2K14!
OI OI! THE LADS ARE GOING ON TOUR! Seeing as I know shit all about this team, and you probably don’t care much...I’m going to do my writeup in the style of a cheeky lads holiday to Brazil, full of booze, birds and Bosnians!
Someone get a round in...this is gonna be a sick trip!
- - - - - -
BACKGROUND – WHO ARE WE?
We’re actually pretty new to the scene, only becoming our own group of LADs in 1992! Before that we hung around with that Yugoslavia lot, but they were boring so we fucked them off and created our very own Banterbus! Cristiano and his lot beat us at the last two playoffs for the World Beer Pong Championship and The Euro Beer Pong Championship in 2010 and 2012...but this time we’ve made it! Get the t-shirts with our nicknames on the back printed, we’re off to our first ever lads holiday!
- - - - - - THE GAFFER - SAFET SUSIC [He gets angry when he hears we haven't got any birds numbers on a night out!]This cheeky geezer actually has those squiggly things over a few of the letters in his name, but the only thing a computer is decent for is Chelsea Fergo’s twitter and Sports Bible so you can get fucked if you thing I know how to do them! He played for PSG and was voted their best player ever, and best foreign player in Ligue 1’s history, playing attacking mid and doing lots of scoring...so he’s a good fit for us boys! OI OI! He’s a bit mental though! After a few Aftershock he looks more and more like a Bond villain...maybe he is, because before taking charge here had managed 4 teams in 5 years for a total of 30 games...so must be summat dodgy going on to land him the job! He was too busy getting us t-shirts with "I’M GONNA SCORE MORE IN BRAZIL THAN PELE DID" printed on them to do any scouting...saying he knows nothing about our opponents Brazil! Ah well...YOLO! - - - - - - THE LADs
GOALKEEPERS
GK: Asmir Begovic (Stoke City) – One of the best LADs we have! Safe pair of hands...just don't ask to smell them...NAWTY!
Asmir Avdukic (Borac Banja Luka) Jasmin Fejzic (VFR Aalen) DEFENDERS
RB: Mensur Mujdza (Freiburg) – Injury prone, just about cleared fit to get on the plane! If anyone’s going to break a leg from jumping off the balcony, it’s him!
CB: Emir Spahic (Bayer Leverkusen) (C) – The group hardman, when things get nasty he’ll be the one to step in, after throwing a few horror lunges into Ronaldo and Lewendowski in the past!
CB: Ermin Bicakcic (Eintracht Braunschweig) – Worried about bringing him after finishing bottom of his league but he’s bagged a move to Hoffenheim, so maybe he’s good and his wingmen were just Shit LADs!?
LB: Sead Kolasinac (Schalke) – One of the young LADs! Fast, agile and strong, we can depend on him not to do anything stupid and get his kicked out of the hotel!
Toni Sunjic (Zorya Lugansk) Ognjen Vranjes (Elazigspor) Ervin Zukanovic (Gent) MIDFIELDERS
CDM: Muhamed Besic (Ferencvaros) - He hasn't got called up in yonks, but we decided to bring him aboard because we decided we might actually need defensive mid after all! Who knew?!
RM: Pjanic (Roma) – Star Lad! If we’re going to do any pulling it’s going to be down to his flair and charm...also speaks English so expect him to do interviews if Dzeko’s busy with a bird!
LM: Senad Lulic (Lazio) – Linked with Juve after a good season! Utility, we can depend on him to do a few different jobs, like wingman, call the taxi or get a round in!
AMC: Zvjezdan Misimovic (Guizhour Renhe) – He gets shotgun ahead of Pjanic in the middle...been around for a long time, got the most (snapback) caps of any of the LADs!
Sejad Salihovic (Hoffenheim) – Highest freekick accuracy on FIFA 13 and 14! Something to look out for! (I thought about making a dead ball/bird joke but thought necrophilia was too much bantz to handle)
Tino Susic (Hajduk) – Inexperienced, only pulled 1 bird before...but got on the plane because the gaffer’s his uncle! We call him Alex Bruce...banter!
Anel Hadzic (Sturm) – Hope his first name his pronounced like Anal so we can all have some serious banter by taking the piss out of him! Shit name LAD...literally! Oi Oi!
Izet Hajrovic (Galatasaray) – Fast LAD! Not likely to get a starting spot in the taxi to the club but he’s got pace and has scored a worldie or two before!Senijad Ibricic (Erciyesspor) Avdija Vrsaljevic (Hajduk) Haris Medunjanin (Gaziantepspor) STRIKERS
ST: Vedad Ibisevic (VfB Stuttgart) – Tall clinical lad! Give him a chance with a bird and he will score!
ST: Edin Dzeko (Manchester City) – THE TOP LAD! IF anyone’s going to score on this holiday it’s him, proven himself in different nightsclubs around the world and beaten world class competition before to score with a bird! (and plays for the best team in the world). Edin Visca (Istanbul BB) - - - - - - LIKELY FORMATION
BEGOVIC
MUJDZA - SPAHIC - BICAKIC - KOLASINAC
BESIC
PJANIC - - - - - - - - - - - - - - LULIC
MISIMOVIC
DZEKO - IBISEVIC
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PRE-DICK-TIONS
ARGENTINA - SUNDAY 15th JUNE 23:00 A tough one! Like a typical weekend at 11pm for a fit bird, we'll have our backs against the wall trying to keep it tight at the back and stop creeps called Sergio from grabbing a handful! It might get Messi though...not optimistic!
NIGERIA - SATURDAY 21st JUNE 23:00 Probably the decisive game of the group! If we win this we have a good shot of progressing, expect us to go all guns blazing and do what every TOP LAD tries to do...score!
IRAN - WEDNESDAY 25TH JUNE 17:00 This game depends largely on what happens against Nigeria...beating Nigeria would be like getting some blonde minx back to the hotel room and then slipping up against Iran by falling asleep before getting any action!
I reckon we'll make it out of the groups, finishing just behind those Argies! Should have too much in attack for those Iranian geezers, then unless John Obi Mikel turns into John Obi Wan Kanobi Mikel then I think we'll also BANG a few against the Nigerians! Although we've gotta be wary of this monster...GOALA AMEOBI!
#MyBantShakeBringsAllTheLADsToTheYard!
- - - - - - [also just to make sure no one ever forgets...] my top tip is to put money on Dzeko scoring very late on to equalise, and then Aguero to pop up for a winner... no particular reason.... just got a hunch...
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Cashis
Manager
Posts: 24,252
Likes: 7,295
Team: Arsenal
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Post by Cashis on Jun 3, 2014 11:04:09 GMT
Iran
Manager Carlos Queiroz
Squad (28-Man Provisional) Goalkeepers Daniel Davari (Eintracht Braunschweig) Alireza Haghighi (Sporting Covilha, on loan from Rubin Kazan) Rahman Ahmadi (Sepahan) Sousha Makani (Foolad Khuzestan)
Defenders Khosro Heidari (Esteghlal) Hossein Mahini (Persepolis) Steven Beitashour (Vancouver Whitecaps) Pejman Montazeri (Umm Salal) Jalal Hosseini (Persepolis) Amir Sadeghi (Esteghlal) Mohammad Reza Khanzadeh (Zob Ahan) Ahmad Alenemeh (Naft) Hashem Beikzadeh (Esteghlal) Ehsan Hajsafi (Sepahan) Mehrdad Pooladi (Persepolis)
Midfielders Javad Nekounam (Al Kuwait) Andranik Teymourian (Esteghlal) Reza Haghighi (Persepolis) Ghasem Hadadifar (Zob Ahan) Bakhtiyar Rahmani (Foolad) Alireza Jahanbakhsh (NEC Nijmegen) Ashkan Dejagah (Fulham)
Forwards Masoud Shojaei (Las Palmas) Mohammad Reza Khalatbari (Persepolis) Mehdi Sharifi (Sepahan) Reza Ghoochannejhad (Charlton) Karim Ansarifard (Persepolis, on loan at Tractor Sazi) Sardar Azmoun (Rubin Kazan).
Fixtures Nigeria - 16th June Argentina - 21st June Bosnia & Herzegovina - 25th June
Likely Formation 8-1-1
Key Player Javad Nekounam Captain of the team, central midfielder Javad Nakounam leads by example and was the sides top scorer throughout qualification. At Brazil 2014 he is set to add to his 137 national caps and appear in his second World Cup after playing 2 matches in Germany in 2006. Known for his defensive ability Nakounam racks up his goal tally with powerful long range shots.
Iran qualified for the 2014 World Cup finishing top of both their second and third round groups. Scoring 25 goals and conceeding only 7 in 14 qualifiers. Irans only opponent of note was South Korea who they exchanged 1-0 victories with on the way to both sides qualifying.
2014 will be Irans 4th World Cup but their only victory at the tournament was in 1998 in a politically charged match against the USA. Getting a result against Nigeria or Bosnia would have the Iranians flying home happy as they won't be expected to pick up anything against Argentina.
A country of 77 million, Iran is a desert country best known for producing the world’s largest handmade carpet for a mosque in the United Arab Emirates. It was the size of a football pitch and is what the national team have been training on in the lead up to the World Cup.
Cameramen will have a tough time finding the token 9/10 in the crowd during Irans matches This post brought to you by Olivier
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Cashis
Manager
Posts: 24,252
Likes: 7,295
Team: Arsenal
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Post by Cashis on Jun 3, 2014 11:30:31 GMT
NIGERA (9JA)
Manager
Stephen Keshi
Having spent three seperate spells bouncing up and down on a Togo bench as manager, and a short stint with Mali, Keshi has been in chage of the Super Eagles since 2011. Having become only the second person to win the African Cup of Nations as both a player and a manager, the very next day Keshi handed in his resignation, before taking it straight back the following day. He's very well thought of on social media though. I think. SquadGoalkeepers Vincent Enyeama (Lille) Austin Ejide (Hapoel Be'er Sheva) Chigozie Agbim (Gombe United)Defenders Elderson Echiejile (Monaco) Efe Ambrose (Celtic) Godfrey Oboabona (Rizespor) Azubuike Egwuekwe (Warri Wolves) Kenneth Omeruo (Middlesbrough) Juwon Oshaniwa (Ashdod) Joseph Yobo (Norwich, on loan from Fenerbahce) Kunle Odunlami (Sunshine Stars)Midfielders John Mikel Obi (Chelsea) Ramon Azeez (Almeria) Ogenyi Onazi (Lazio) Reuben Gabriel (Waasland-Beveren) Michael Babatunde (Volyn Lutsk)Forwards Ahmed Musa (CSKA Moscow) Shola Ameobi (Newcastle) Emmanuel Emenike (Fenerbahce) Michael Uchebo (Cercle Brugge) Peter Odemwingie (Stoke) Victor Moses (Liverpool, on loan from Chelsea) Uche Nwofor (Heerenveen)
There have been several unconfirmed reports in local media that Odemwingie has been replaced in the squad by Patrick from Eastenders. I've tried to reach out to the Super Eagles but unfortunately their media manager wasn't too helpful upon hearing the rumours. Key Players
Vincent Enyeama Much attention will be placed on the warm ups of Vincent prior to the Argentina game, with his coaches keen to stress that his body will be able to stand up to the repetitive nature of bending over to pick the ball out of his net. With 89 caps, only the 33 year old Joseph Yobo (citation needed) has more caps within this squad, and his experience could prove vital.
John Obi Mikel The oldest midielder in the squad at 27, Mikel is surrounded by players in their earlier 20's which means a lot of pressure and expectation will be placed on his shoulders. It's highly likely he'll be one of the fall guys on social media if 9JA fail to qualify from this group, especially given his enhanced reputation amongst Nigerian football fans used to following his exploits for TOP BPL TEAM CHELSEA UNITED FC OF LONDON.
Fixtures iRan vs Nigeria - 16th June Nigeria vs Bosnia Hercegovina - 21st June Nigeria vs Argentina - 25th June
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Post by g7vikings on Jun 5, 2014 22:10:10 GMT
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notpropaganda
Key Player
Eden 'Azarrrrrrrr!
Posts: 8,476
Likes: 5,702
Team: Republic of Ireland
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Post by notpropaganda on Jun 15, 2014 21:06:51 GMT
Hoping this is a good game, think Bosnia are being a bit underrated by some.
Hoping Messi tears it up this World Cup though
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sween
Key Player
Posts: 8,075
Likes: 8,070
Team: sunderland
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Post by sween on Jun 15, 2014 21:09:12 GMT
hope he just goes off and scores about 5 tonight. CMON MESSI
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Post by Maskya Yoshida on Jun 15, 2014 21:10:44 GMT
Love it if Messi flops again.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2014 21:11:25 GMT
Channel I'm watching on has Oliver Kahn as a pundit. On to a fucking winner here lads.
His voice is so feminine.
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danielbuggery
Regular
zlat bae
Posts: 2,373
Likes: 540
Team: Manchester United
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Post by danielbuggery on Jun 15, 2014 21:17:11 GMT
Ah shit after that thrilling match (football was alright too) we get another match. I love this timezone for World Cups to be honest.
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Blue Moon
Talisman
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Likes: 5,192
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Post by Blue Moon on Jun 15, 2014 21:23:45 GMT
Was really looking forward to watching Bosnia, but apparently they're more defensive now. Still, Argentina look very exciting. Seems the bug of interesting games has caught everyone as well.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2014 21:23:50 GMT
Pjanic to tear shit up
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Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2014 21:34:02 GMT
I'm not into this 1 o'clock kick off lark it's hard to watch football hammered.
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danielbuggery
Regular
zlat bae
Posts: 2,373
Likes: 540
Team: Manchester United
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Post by danielbuggery on Jun 15, 2014 21:34:36 GMT
Argentina are the home team in the Maracana. What a coincidental troll that is lol
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