The Quito Diet
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Post by The Quito Diet on Dec 8, 2017 19:52:51 GMT
I had made a response but apparently the domain expired and it didn't capture it but yeah, it's not a moral obligation to be with her rather it's what a partner is meant to do. Maybe try going out with your mates and coming back earlier than you say yu will, see if that helps
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Post by ange postecoslamp on Dec 8, 2017 20:06:11 GMT
That's not really my point. I'm not allowed to see my friends because "Every time I do, we argue" - but she's the one who starts the argument. She goes through my phone when I'm not looking and starts getting wound up about something from years before we met, she's forced me to cut two close friends out of my social media contact sphere entirely because she's decided she doesn't trust them. I'm being isolated more and more every day from my friends and then being manipulated and told that it's my fault that's happening.
I'm happy to be there for her when her mental health is bad but it's a defence she springs to to absolve herself of any responsibility for all the arguments it/she causes. It means she's never the one who has to change, always me. It feels more and more like a prison.
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Post by ange postecoslamp on Dec 8, 2017 20:09:23 GMT
It's hard to coherently explain it because it doesn't make any sense all at once. It's been a slow spiral of emotional blackmail that I can't just unwind. It's really scary and unhealthy but I can't break out of it.
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Post by you give me rrrroad rrrrage on Dec 8, 2017 20:29:30 GMT
ange postecoslamp sorry to hear what you’re going through. Re practical advice on dating people with mental health issues I’d really recommend A Beginner’s Guide To Losing Your Mind by Emily Reynolds. It’s written with a lot of compassion but really gets to the point and has lots of tips on what you can do for your partner or loved one as well as what to avoid as well as what they can do for themselves. One of the big takeaway points I got (for myself as much as for anyone else) is that poor mental health can legitimately hamper you in lots of ways that many people won’t understand but it should never be used as an excuse for your own shitty behaviour. You know your partner best but being blackmailed into staying with someone is never healthy and will not do either of you any good long term. Talk it out as much as you can but remember you need to look after yourself too. Good luck mate and I hope all goes well. www.amazon.co.uk/Beginners-Guide-Losing-Your-Mind/dp/1473635624/ref=nodl_Edit: Here’s a link to the googlebooks version if you want to check it out right away. books.google.co.uk/books?id=bXEADAAAQBAJ
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Simon
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Post by Simon on Dec 8, 2017 20:39:29 GMT
To be honest if it feels like a moral obligation rather than you actually wanting to be with her then I think that speaks volumes for what you actually want to do in this situation.
I was in a very similar situation a while ago. 6 months ago I ended a 4 year relationship with someone who had social anxiety and several insecurity issues. I was extremely supportive and patient of her needs and did everything I could to make her happy and help her to avoid any potential triggers etc. However, over time (and particularly after we started living together) she became overwhelmingly dependent on me to the point where I feel that she was, at times, taking advantage of my support and trying to guilt me into doing more and more of what she wanted. In the final 6 months or so I constantly felt like shit and like nothing I did was ever good enough, all the time feeling guilty for things like seeing a friend once a week for a couple of hours, because that's how she made me feel. Ultimately I came to realise that whilst anxiety and the like is an awful thing for someone to have to live with, it does not excuse abusive behaviour that utilises emotional blackmail as a means of controlling your partner to cope better.
In the end her paranoia got to the point where she started secretly going through my phone to read messages and messaged people from work to ask if we were fucking, one of whom was a lesbian in her mid-50's. That's the point when I ended things as I couldn't be with someone that feels that need to check up on me and ultimately has zero trust in me, because that is a gut-wrenching feeling.
You shouldn't have to stay in an abusive or unhappy relationship out of guilt. I recommend opening a lines of communication with her and just being honest about how you feel but making sure you're not trying to lay blame anywhere, you're just being open. The way you feel is equally important to how she feels. If at some point you feel like the relationship is beyond repair you should end it, don't condemn yourself to an unhappy life in an attempt to keep someone else moderately happy.
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Exonerator
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Post by Exonerator on Dec 8, 2017 21:14:10 GMT
I don't know if it helps at all but I was in the exact same situation just a couple of years ago and the only reason why it ended was because her visa to stay in the country ran out.
It's a horrible situation to be in.
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The Quito Diet
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Post by The Quito Diet on Dec 8, 2017 21:33:40 GMT
I don't know if it helps at all but I was in the exact same situation just a couple of years ago and the only reason why it ended was because her visa to stay in the country ran out. It's a horrible situation to be in. Yeah might be a bit of a stretch in this case I imagine. Sorry Cos, I had written a lot more before it went walkabouts with this domain name whatabouttery.
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jaffers
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Post by jaffers on Dec 8, 2017 21:51:41 GMT
You can't live your life making sure someone else is okay, it'll burn you out. If you stay in a relationship you're unhappy with, then you're going to start being resentful towards her, and it'll just escalate more and more.
I can see your biggest fear is she'd take her own life if you left, and I will say that yes is it a possibility. However, any suicide (or attempt) isn't down to just one thing, there's a whole load going on under the surface (speaking from first hand experience here). Anything can trigger somebody who's brain is wired that way, but it's unrealistic for you to try live your life with your goal to be avoiding being the one that triggers her. The ugly truth about suicide, is that some people genuinely can't be saved. It's not on you to be the one to try 'save' her either, that's on her and mental health professionals.
You're also, through your willingness to make this work, enabling her more. The more you accept it, the more it justifies that her behaviour isn't that bad in her mind. Also people with mental health issues are a nightmare for getting help without something actually triggering it. For me I had to get to a catastrophic position before I finally opened up to the ideas and advice I was being given by professionals, and that's when I got better. It's another hard truth, but it sounds like she has some pretty big issues, and it's not something you're just going to be able to talk out with her, you have no training in it at all so it'd be an unrealistic goal again that you're setting yourself.
Another thing I've learnt over time, when it comes to mental health, is be selfish. Don't put yourself at risk of become depressed, having anxiety attacks, or worse through a sense of having to look after someone. It's okay for you to say you can't handle it, and you need to walk away for your own sake.
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Exonerator
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Post by Exonerator on Dec 8, 2017 22:38:34 GMT
I don't know if it helps at all but I was in the exact same situation just a couple of years ago and the only reason why it ended was because her visa to stay in the country ran out. It's a horrible situation to be in. Yeah might be a bit of a stretch in this case I imagine. Sorry Cos, I had written a lot more before it went walkabouts with this domain name whatabouttery. Yeah sorry I didn't mean it to come across as a solution. What I meant to say is that in my experience it's better for both parties that it comes to an end, in my situation my hand was forced so the decision was taken away from me.
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Slim Jim
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Post by Slim Jim on Dec 9, 2017 13:11:40 GMT
Feel like I’m at the start of a similar thing with my current girlfriend and going back and forth on whether to break up with her or not because it feels like it’ll get worse.
What I’ve started doing is writing down shit that happens when I get a chance to look back at it afterwards so I remember it more accurately so when she tries to twist it if I bring it up I can remind myself what actually happened. That made talking about it a lot easier because I was able to say ‘this, this, this’ happened and I felt ‘that, that, that’ because of it as a list of facts rather than rambling and letting emotions dictate what I was saying. She got super defensive and nasty in the moment but after she’d had time to calm down and was in a better spot, she acknowledged some (not all) of what had happened.
Don’t know if that would help depending on how far down the spiral you think you are or how your girlfriend would respond. My feeling is that it’s better to end things sooner rather than later but it’s so much easier said than done when you care about someone.
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ic
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Post by ic on Dec 9, 2017 23:18:20 GMT
This sounds really sad but here it is
I can relate to your girlfriend having ups and downs and alienating you from your friends - I found myself in that position years back. She would quite happily poke through my phone when my back was turned, or check out my laptop and ask me what neoseeker.com was. It was shit, I felt completely trapped and had no idea what to do. I loved her and resented her at the same time.
I'm actually married to the same person - we have got through those dodgy days where she's called me a cheating arsehole because someone I worked with sent me a text. I know this is probably ground you have covered before but have you actually been able to tackle her insecurities head on? It's difficult to do without starting an argument but sitting her down and forcing her to talk about what goes on in her head can go a long way. I'm not saying that you don't know her, but there could have been some trigger in her past life that is the cause of all of this.
The suicide threats are worrying, sure, and that is textbook emotional blackmail. It will wreak havoc with your head.
You could well be through all of this already but let it be known that there can be a light at the end of the tunnel for some challenging women. Despite all of our issues my wife and I have managed to have what is probably a very beige and drama-free relationship these days and I'd like to think that it's proof that sticking your dick in crazy can materialise in to something normal.
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ic
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Post by ic on Dec 9, 2017 23:18:40 GMT
PS I'm pissed and have wanted to post that for a while now
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notpropaganda
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Post by notpropaganda on Dec 13, 2017 12:49:18 GMT
I would agree with most of what jaffers said on this. I don't have anything new to add other than you matter every bit as much in the relationship ange postecoslamp, it should be a two-way street and you should be able to lean on her if you need her as well. For myself, I'm in a horrible place recently and I finally cracked and acknowledged I need help. I just dunno where to start - I know a few here have gotten help before, has anyone any advice? Do I just go to my GP and say I need help? Go private? What's the difference between counselling or therapy or whatever? I'm not exactly flush with cash but if private is quicker access I dunno if that's better. I've had a horrific year or so.
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jaffers
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Post by jaffers on Dec 13, 2017 13:36:19 GMT
I would agree with most of what jaffers said on this. I don't have anything new to add other than you matter every bit as much in the relationship ange postecoslamp, it should be a two-way street and you should be able to lean on her if you need her as well. For myself, I'm in a horrible place recently and I finally cracked and acknowledged I need help. I just dunno where to start - I know a few here have gotten help before, has anyone any advice? Do I just go to my GP and say I need help? Go private? What's the difference between counselling or therapy or whatever? I'm not exactly flush with cash but if private is quicker access I dunno if that's better. I've had a horrific year or so. Start with your GP, they'll probably put you on medication to begin with, as that's always the way. If you ask about counselling and therapy they'll be able to refer you, unless you live in a region which has self referral. It hugely depends on how good your areas NHS trust is, some have great mental health services, others not so good. Private may be quicker in terms of access to treatment, if you contact MIND you'll get offered sessions for free, but obviously they too will have a wait. Most charging services either do charitable donations, or out right hourly fees of like £20-£30 a session. I can't really tell you what it's like on the lesser end of the scale re NHS help, as I have pretty big mental health problems, coupled with aspergers so it's always been the more specialist end that I've dealt with. As for the difference between counselling and therapy, I'm not 100% but I'd say counselling is more discussing your issues and just being able to get everything out. Therapy is more proactive, stuff like CBT has a very clear sort of plan in terms of teaching you techniques and stuff to help cope with tough times. There's also stuff like distress tolorence, which can be helpful. I'll openly say though it'll all sound like really easy simple stuff, to the point it's easy to pass it off as not being something that would help. So, you really have to be set on letting the process work otherwise it's pointless. And although a lot of it sounds easy (e.g. CBT primarily being a sort of changing your behaviours that you have as a result of how you think) it's actually quite difficult to master.
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notpropaganda
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Post by notpropaganda on Dec 13, 2017 14:22:56 GMT
Cheers for that jaffers, I appreciate it.
I'm based in Belfast so not sure that MIND is here. Next available appointment with my GP is in the new year so I'll get Christmas over with (a notoriously easy time when you're having MH issues right?!) and go from there. I don't like the idea of medication at all, I understand that they can be hugely beneficial and helpful but I would much rather go a route of talking it out or trying to figure things out rather than start with medication. I have an addictive personality (I think) so I'm just scared of having another thing that I'll lean on.
There's an awful lot of shit that's happened and just things that I've realised this year and I just dunno how to process it or understand any of it. I end up in destructive patterns and hate myself for it. This has happened to me before but never for such a prolonged period and I guess one good thing from the likes of Twitter is that I've seen so many people talk about their problems it's made me realise that until I get help I'll just be in this cycle continuously and maybe I'll get worse and worse because I never addressed it.
Anyway I've been building up to this and the anxiety from even trying to google "how do I get help for my mental health" was overwhelming. So cheers.
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