Post by Blue Moon on May 3, 2014 0:26:50 GMT
ah for fuck sake i just deleted about 45 minutes work, none of it good. anyway some fixtures will happen, hardly any of them exciting but you're supposed to talk about the unpredictability of the premier league and all that anyway. pardew out
ange postecoslamp you had one job
...
Reet lads, CosLamp 'ere. Much like the Terminator before me I've come back in time to right the wrongs of the future, namely by fixing this write up and then stopping the T-1000 from killing Erik Lamela. DADADA DA DA-DUN. DADADA DA DA-DUN.
If all you've taken from this write up is that Tim Sherwood's actually made of liquid metal then as far as I'm concerned this has been a success.
DADADA DA DA-DUN
DADADA DA DA-DUN
ange postecoslamp you had one job
...
Reet lads, CosLamp 'ere. Much like the Terminator before me I've come back in time to right the wrongs of the future, namely by fixing this write up and then stopping the T-1000 from killing Erik Lamela. DADADA DA DA-DUN. DADADA DA DA-DUN.
Saturday 3rd May
West Ham v Tottenham 12:45
Aston Villa v Hull 15:00
Man Utd v Sunderland 15:00
Newcastle v Cardiff 15:00
Stoke v Fulham 15:00
Swansea v Southampton 15:00
Everton v Man City 17:30
Sunday 4th May
Arsenal v West Brom 13:30
Chelsea v Norwich 16:00
West Ham v Tottenham 12:45
Aston Villa v Hull 15:00
Man Utd v Sunderland 15:00
Newcastle v Cardiff 15:00
Stoke v Fulham 15:00
Swansea v Southampton 15:00
Everton v Man City 17:30
Sunday 4th May
Arsenal v West Brom 13:30
Chelsea v Norwich 16:00
Your weekend of football starts in the distant future, where a small human resistance battles bravely against an overwhelming force of horrifying murderous robots. Holed up in their bunker, the brave commander of the surviving humans is desperately trying to rally his useless, untrained troops with shouts of "fahkin get involved lads" and by sitting way up in the corner away from all the action. Suddenly a grenade is thrown into the bunker by an unseen foe and the shouts turn to panic; "Get rid of it Sergeant Dawson! Get rid of it! Oh for fucks sake what's Lance Corporal Fryers doing at centre back oh god why" before a sudden and telling cut to black. At Upton Park, much of the same will be happening except instead of grenades it's any kind of set piece West Ham take from inside our half, and instead of horrifying murderous robots it's Andy Carroll so, you know, no difference really.
I've got some house viewings at 3 so I won't be watching any of the afternoon kick offs. It's so hard to find a nice 4 bed down here for a reasonable price. We're not asking for a lot, a kitchen that was fitted post 2000, 4 decent sized bedrooms and maybe one fixture involving the top 6. Is that so much to ask? Apparently it is, because Aston Villa v Hull.
Man United v Sunderland actually matters because despite a terrible 10 months so far, a late surge of form could prove crucial to this side achieving what seemed so impossible a month ago.. 6th place. Oh, and Sunderland might avoid relegation too which would be an absolute miracle considering they paid actual money this season for Jozy Altidore and Adam Johnson is somehow their best player.
I've got some house viewings at 3 so I won't be watching any of the afternoon kick offs. It's so hard to find a nice 4 bed down here for a reasonable price. We're not asking for a lot, a kitchen that was fitted post 2000, 4 decent sized bedrooms and maybe one fixture involving the top 6. Is that so much to ask? Apparently it is, because Aston Villa v Hull.
Man United v Sunderland actually matters because despite a terrible 10 months so far, a late surge of form could prove crucial to this side achieving what seemed so impossible a month ago.. 6th place. Oh, and Sunderland might avoid relegation too which would be an absolute miracle considering they paid actual money this season for Jozy Altidore and Adam Johnson is somehow their best player.
I feel that my feelings re: Ole Gunnar Solksjaer and piss covered breakfast cereals has been made clear enough already so if Newcastle could do everyone a massive favour and stop playing like the football equivalent of the Sarah Connor Chronicles that'd be grand. At this point, even Terminator 3 would be an improvement.
Stoke v Fulham. Erm. I bet these houses won't even be any good and they'll still be more expensive than we can afford. If you're gonna try and ask for 115 quid a week (yes I know, it's the south, piss off) then is it so unreasonable to expect a bathroom that's not been grouted with that moss stuff you find between paving slabs or that we could have a fridge that's not made of asbestos? Nope, it's still Stoke v Fulham? Fuck it.
Literally nothing can come of Swansea v Southampton. Nothing. It'll be the best game of the weekend.
Then at 5.30, your Saturday afternoon of football reaches its thrilling climax as tactical genius Roberto Martinez takes on perpetual stoner Manuel Pellegrini in a clash of steel, liquid nitrogen and pools of lava for some reason. All while Phil Jagielka looks on haplessly and gets himself in unnecessary danger a lot so Martinez has to keep saving him. Is it even lava? They're in some sort of industrial warehouse. I've not seen Terminator 2 in ages but I'm pretty sure David Silva got a hattrick.
Usually the Sunday games are the point where I've gotten bored of doing the write ups and start doing cop out paragraphs about 80s films but I've come in too strong already so I have nothing funny to say about Arsenal v West Brom because Arsenal are pretty much guaranteed 4th now and West Brom are somewhere in the lower-midtable regions as they always are so it's business as usual, aka a disappointing home draw in a Game They Really Should Win™. I might do Top Gun next week. So many Danger Zone puns.
Chelsea are obviously gonna beat Norwich even though they've lost their last two games at home because Norwich are on a quest to get themselves relegated and I'm too bored to do Palace v Liverpool now so they'll have to wait until my midweek special. Which will be Top Gun themed. I wasn't even alive in the 80s, but I miss them.
Stoke v Fulham. Erm. I bet these houses won't even be any good and they'll still be more expensive than we can afford. If you're gonna try and ask for 115 quid a week (yes I know, it's the south, piss off) then is it so unreasonable to expect a bathroom that's not been grouted with that moss stuff you find between paving slabs or that we could have a fridge that's not made of asbestos? Nope, it's still Stoke v Fulham? Fuck it.
Literally nothing can come of Swansea v Southampton. Nothing. It'll be the best game of the weekend.
Then at 5.30, your Saturday afternoon of football reaches its thrilling climax as tactical genius Roberto Martinez takes on perpetual stoner Manuel Pellegrini in a clash of steel, liquid nitrogen and pools of lava for some reason. All while Phil Jagielka looks on haplessly and gets himself in unnecessary danger a lot so Martinez has to keep saving him. Is it even lava? They're in some sort of industrial warehouse. I've not seen Terminator 2 in ages but I'm pretty sure David Silva got a hattrick.
Usually the Sunday games are the point where I've gotten bored of doing the write ups and start doing cop out paragraphs about 80s films but I've come in too strong already so I have nothing funny to say about Arsenal v West Brom because Arsenal are pretty much guaranteed 4th now and West Brom are somewhere in the lower-midtable regions as they always are so it's business as usual, aka a disappointing home draw in a Game They Really Should Win™. I might do Top Gun next week. So many Danger Zone puns.
Chelsea are obviously gonna beat Norwich even though they've lost their last two games at home because Norwich are on a quest to get themselves relegated and I'm too bored to do Palace v Liverpool now so they'll have to wait until my midweek special. Which will be Top Gun themed. I wasn't even alive in the 80s, but I miss them.
If all you've taken from this write up is that Tim Sherwood's actually made of liquid metal then as far as I'm concerned this has been a success.
DADADA DA DA-DUN
DADADA DA DA-DUN