Post by ange postecoslamp on Jun 8, 2014 0:03:29 GMT
If you've ever seen a televised football game in your life then you will have heard an average of 9 tired cliches per minute tracked out by useless, bored commentators, ranging from your classics about how a "good old-fashioned English centre half" might brainlessly kick a South American winger in the shins a few times "just to let him know he's there" in case the winger otherwise assumed he was facing a bizarre 0-4-6 formation, to your more advanced cliches about how well that tiny Spanish bloke "gets about in the channels and makes runs in between the lines" because he's an attacking midfielder and that's his fucking job.
The World Cup is gold for commentators since there's such a vast pool of cliche conversations to tap into at any time that they can afford to coast through the whole month without contributing one single original thought to the greatest competition in football. Here are some of the things they will talk about a lot, and all you have to do is pick which one you think will get dragged through the mud more.
Whoever gets them all right will win nothing because there's no way I'm going back and checking how many times David Pleat brings up '66 in a match between South Korea and Algeria. Maybe I'll finally release that video write up from Premier League week 38 and just replace all the instances of 'Liverpool' with 'England' and replace 'Manchester City' with 'every international team that's not England'
Your starters for 10;
The World Cup is gold for commentators since there's such a vast pool of cliche conversations to tap into at any time that they can afford to coast through the whole month without contributing one single original thought to the greatest competition in football. Here are some of the things they will talk about a lot, and all you have to do is pick which one you think will get dragged through the mud more.
Whoever gets them all right will win nothing because there's no way I'm going back and checking how many times David Pleat brings up '66 in a match between South Korea and Algeria. Maybe I'll finally release that video write up from Premier League week 38 and just replace all the instances of 'Liverpool' with 'England' and replace 'Manchester City' with 'every international team that's not England'
Your starters for 10;
Manaus and how bloody hot it is there. Did we mention it's in the jungle? It's in the jungle.
VS
The Maracana.. ooh isn't it such an historic stadium? And they've rebuilt it now so it's got actual seats instead of just flat bits of concrete. Toppers.
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1966 and all that. Yeah we fucking get it, Bobby Moore was a better centre half than Phil Jagielka is. Move on.
VS
1970 when this year's hosts did some really good stepovers and stuff and Pele scored loads. Apparently it was the greatest World Cup side ever but was Pele from Barking and Dagenham? No, so who fahkin' cares.
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Neymar having his breakout moments at his home tournament. Will he do some really good stepovers and score loads? Is he actually from Tower Hamlets?
VS
Messi who, despite being alright at this footie lark, has never won a world cup, not in Stoke on a rainy Tuesday night nor anywhere else. Even Emmanuel Petit has one, come on Leo.
-----
Montages of Brazilian kids playing futsal in a dusty lot with a ball that looks like it might have been used at the last World Cup in Brazil
VS
Slow-motion shots of Gerrard. Maybe he's shouting at Danny Welbeck, maybe he's just looking exhausted (did we mention it's hot in Manaus?). Whatever it is, he's doing it at 30,000 fps.
-----
"You just can't get away with that in international football." This isn't Villa Park on an October's Sunday mate, if you give Leandro Bacuna any space within 40 yards of goal he'll put it in the top corner.
VS
The New Ball, and how drastically different it is to all the other footballs that have ever been used, so if you give Luis Suarez an open goal from 6 yards out it's not his fault if he puts it out for a throw-in.
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The "Carnival atmposhere" in Brazil, particularly Rio. Because sometimes they have carnivals and also they love a bit of footie, even in Manaus (where it's too bloody hot for any carnivals)
VS
The exploitation of Brazil's poor by the massively unbalanced distribution of World Cup revenue, as well as the dangerous conditions and unfair treatment of the workers used to prepare for the tournament.
-----
Generic, painful-to-watch banter, probably courtesy of Adrian Chiles
VS
"Accidental" racial typecasting of any non English speaking nation, also probably courtesy of Adrian Chiles. Remember that time he said he wanted Poland's away support to build him a conservatory? Cunt.
-----
1966 and all that. Yeah we fucking get it, Bobby Moore was a better centre half than Phil Jagielka is. Move on.
VS
1970 when this year's hosts did some really good stepovers and stuff and Pele scored loads. Apparently it was the greatest World Cup side ever but was Pele from Barking and Dagenham? No, so who fahkin' cares.
-----
Neymar having his breakout moments at his home tournament. Will he do some really good stepovers and score loads? Is he actually from Tower Hamlets?
VS
Messi who, despite being alright at this footie lark, has never won a world cup, not in Stoke on a rainy Tuesday night nor anywhere else. Even Emmanuel Petit has one, come on Leo.
-----
Montages of Brazilian kids playing futsal in a dusty lot with a ball that looks like it might have been used at the last World Cup in Brazil
VS
Slow-motion shots of Gerrard. Maybe he's shouting at Danny Welbeck, maybe he's just looking exhausted (did we mention it's hot in Manaus?). Whatever it is, he's doing it at 30,000 fps.
-----
"You just can't get away with that in international football." This isn't Villa Park on an October's Sunday mate, if you give Leandro Bacuna any space within 40 yards of goal he'll put it in the top corner.
VS
The New Ball, and how drastically different it is to all the other footballs that have ever been used, so if you give Luis Suarez an open goal from 6 yards out it's not his fault if he puts it out for a throw-in.
-----
The "Carnival atmposhere" in Brazil, particularly Rio. Because sometimes they have carnivals and also they love a bit of footie, even in Manaus (where it's too bloody hot for any carnivals)
VS
The exploitation of Brazil's poor by the massively unbalanced distribution of World Cup revenue, as well as the dangerous conditions and unfair treatment of the workers used to prepare for the tournament.
-----
Generic, painful-to-watch banter, probably courtesy of Adrian Chiles
VS
"Accidental" racial typecasting of any non English speaking nation, also probably courtesy of Adrian Chiles. Remember that time he said he wanted Poland's away support to build him a conservatory? Cunt.
So that's your World Cup. Write the Italians off at your peril, but if it comes down to a penalty shoot-out - well, you just can't look past the Germans.