The Soccers TM - Episode 9 - #BoycottWalkers
Oct 21, 2016 16:45:05 GMT
Germany's Top Scorer, Бенне, and 2 more like this
Post by ange postecoslamp on Oct 21, 2016 16:45:05 GMT
Saturday 22nd October
Bournemouth v Tottenham 12:30
Arsenal v Middlesbrough 15:00
Burnley v Everton 15:00
Hull v Stoke 15:00
Leicester v Crystal Palace 15:00
Swansea v Watford 15:00
West Ham v Sunderland 15:00
Liverpool v West Brom 17:30
Sunday 23rd October
Man City v Southampton 13:30
Chelsea v Man Utd 16:00
Week 9 is a magical time in the footballing calendar; as the leaves begin to turn red, fall off and annoy blokes with underpowered lawnmowers nationwide, the Premier League looks to leave behind its early season trappings and enter the tumultuous midseason games that blend together into one ungainly blur of boxing day trips from Bournemouth to Middlesbrough and injuries to all of Arsenal’s important defenders.
Tottenham, fresh off another very Tottenham week of drawing with sides they probably shouldn’t have, visit Bournemouth, who scored 6 against Hull last weekend. This sounds impressive, but since I praised Hull for their early season tenacity and added Robert Snodgrass to my fantasy team, they have conceded goals at an average rate of one every 2.4 minutes.
As part of his warm up tour for the schedule WBA world title fight against Jose Mourinho, Arsene Wenger will enter the ring against an opponent often compared to the Untitled One in Aitor Karanka. Keep an eye on the undercard fight of Theo Walcott vs His Own Irresistible Urge To Be Shit Again.
Grizzled Lord of Winterfell Sean Dyche welcomes Everton to whatever the fuck Burnley’s stadium is called this week. Dyche is convinced this is a grudge match because the tower on Everton’s badge reminds him bitterly of how Jaime Lannister pushed George Boyd out of a high window, permanently crippling him and meaning they couldn’t sell him to Hull cos his eyes didn’t work or whatever.
Hull v Stoke is one of those 3pm fixtures that can be politely described as ‘occurring’ or more accurately described by throwing your head back and moaning “fuuuuck” for 7 and a half minutes.
Now that you’ve finished that; Leicester v Crystal Palace. A team who sold a key cog in their title winning side for £30m face off against a team who sold Yannick Bolasie for the same amount. As the empirical evidence clearly suggests, Palace are the winners here and don’t let a 3-1 defeat for the side change that for you.
Francesco Guidolin returns as Swansea manager Saturday as it was revealed this week that Bob Bradley is in fact not a football manager, but instead is merely a scowly man who won a cereal box contest ostensibly for 8-13 year olds. Having discovered his unforgivable deception, Bradley has been deported back to the US where he will serve two terms as Secretary of State.
Cool stepdad Jurgen Klopp is taking the boys on a fun day out to Anfield for a kick about against West Brom and it’s understood that their opponents will be using classic confidence building tactics like standing perfectly still and then exaggeratedly exclaiming “ooooh you got me!” as Adam Lallana dribbles past them, in order to boost morale and help them bond further with Klopp and kind of forget about how he’s fucking their mum now. Sources understand that this has been better received than the attempts of previous father figure Brendan Rodgers, who used to lock the team in a shed on weekends and make them spell out “progress”.
Constantly accursed by a limited squad that could never conceivably compete with big guns like Barcelona or Tottenham, Pep Guardiola looks to guide his scrappy team of £50m misfits and humble world cup winning internationals back to winning ways by dicking on Southampton. The Saints will be relying on the recently effective tactic of ‘making Claudio Bravo do something’ or by exploiting the outside matchup between Brandin Cooks and Aleksandr Kolarov.
For some reason two midtable sides get the prime Super Sunday slot but since they don’t have midweek Champions League games to worry about then I guess that’s just an idiosyncracy of the fixture system.