Post by The Quito Diet on Jun 25, 2017 21:30:58 GMT
Shamelessly stolen from an Ibiza forum because I've spent a good twenty minutes laughing at the following story I found on there. I've no doubt DanAnderson could fill a thread on his own mind;
In amongst loads of stories of midgets fucking models on the Manumission dance floor, or loads of people asking for handjobs in the toilets.
I think my first contribution to this thread will be walking a lass home with a mate who was trying to get in with her. She ended up walking ahead of us and going down an alleyway. As we followed, she shouted at us to go away. Turned out she'd gone for a piss down there and had used some leaves to wipe herself.
Not so much a wanking story, but similiar to the above, but a few years back, my first ever night on the "swedgers" and I didn't realise the implications of a term I've now come to accept like a long-lost brother: Pilly willy.
So I'm wondering why most of the night I can feel it constantly shrivelled. I mean, it seems to be retreating into myself the longer the night goes on, I can almost feel it now touching the belt on my shorts it's come up that far. I get chatting to a brunette, some northern lass who makes it pretty clear what her intentions are from the off when more or less her second sentence is asking to give my fingers a new flavour of the captain birdseye variety.
We start grinding a little and I'm growing more and more conscious that there's nothing to grind on. Thankfully, I think she was too swedged herself to notice, but it must have been like pole dancing on a Ken doll, the first ever man to have a dick made entirely of dust.
We end up back at the hotel, and I'm trying to coax this little pink smurf's hat out of his shell. At this stage it's looking less like a dick, and more like a clitoris than hers even is. Her insessant pleads of "Do me then!!" in a husk Burnley accent are doing nothing to help the situation as she very openly positions herself onto all fours on the bed, her clothes now just a distant memory of the not-so-long-term-past.
Thankfully, Percy (we all give our own a name, don't even try to deny it) doesn't wilt under pressure and does enough to immitate a convincing form, just as I was eyeing up the cylinder shaped room key and hoping she wouldn't notice the difference.
10 minutes past. Nothing. This is a new personal best.
Another 20 minutes.
Another 20.
And this is now at some pace.
Another 20. She seems to be having a great time, but I'm confused that she's not the slightest bit suspicious as to why this event has not reached full-time.
The sweat is now glazed over me like a Krispy Kreme, hair is soaked like I've just fallen into the Ushuaia pool yet again, she's looking similiar.
The whole room is condensated, windows steamed, moisture on the walls.
Eventually, after what must have been close to two hours since the first insertion began, I pull out and loudly exclaim my extreme frustration.
"I CAN'T f***ING CUM!!!" I yell, and as I'm doing so, the key in the door turns and my friends have returned to the room just in time to see me yelling the now infamous sentence whilst absoluting Paul van Dyk'ing this now soaked bird from behind.
"f***ing hell," says one of the lads. "It f***ing stinks in here!" and as two of them recoil in horror, holding their noses, the other lad there and then vomits all over the floor.
So I'm wondering why most of the night I can feel it constantly shrivelled. I mean, it seems to be retreating into myself the longer the night goes on, I can almost feel it now touching the belt on my shorts it's come up that far. I get chatting to a brunette, some northern lass who makes it pretty clear what her intentions are from the off when more or less her second sentence is asking to give my fingers a new flavour of the captain birdseye variety.
We start grinding a little and I'm growing more and more conscious that there's nothing to grind on. Thankfully, I think she was too swedged herself to notice, but it must have been like pole dancing on a Ken doll, the first ever man to have a dick made entirely of dust.
We end up back at the hotel, and I'm trying to coax this little pink smurf's hat out of his shell. At this stage it's looking less like a dick, and more like a clitoris than hers even is. Her insessant pleads of "Do me then!!" in a husk Burnley accent are doing nothing to help the situation as she very openly positions herself onto all fours on the bed, her clothes now just a distant memory of the not-so-long-term-past.
Thankfully, Percy (we all give our own a name, don't even try to deny it) doesn't wilt under pressure and does enough to immitate a convincing form, just as I was eyeing up the cylinder shaped room key and hoping she wouldn't notice the difference.
10 minutes past. Nothing. This is a new personal best.
Another 20 minutes.
Another 20.
And this is now at some pace.
Another 20. She seems to be having a great time, but I'm confused that she's not the slightest bit suspicious as to why this event has not reached full-time.
The sweat is now glazed over me like a Krispy Kreme, hair is soaked like I've just fallen into the Ushuaia pool yet again, she's looking similiar.
The whole room is condensated, windows steamed, moisture on the walls.
Eventually, after what must have been close to two hours since the first insertion began, I pull out and loudly exclaim my extreme frustration.
"I CAN'T f***ING CUM!!!" I yell, and as I'm doing so, the key in the door turns and my friends have returned to the room just in time to see me yelling the now infamous sentence whilst absoluting Paul van Dyk'ing this now soaked bird from behind.
"f***ing hell," says one of the lads. "It f***ing stinks in here!" and as two of them recoil in horror, holding their noses, the other lad there and then vomits all over the floor.
I think my first contribution to this thread will be walking a lass home with a mate who was trying to get in with her. She ended up walking ahead of us and going down an alleyway. As we followed, she shouted at us to go away. Turned out she'd gone for a piss down there and had used some leaves to wipe herself.
