Premier League (now with no added sponsors) Gameweek 5
Sept 15, 2016 17:20:27 GMT
Maskya Yoshida and The Quito Diet like this
Post by ange postecoslamp on Sept 15, 2016 17:20:27 GMT
Friday 16th September 2016
Chelsea v Liverpool 20:00
Saturday 17th September 2016
Hull v Arsenal 15:00
Leicester v Burnley 15:00
Man City v Bournemouth 15:00
West Brom v West Ham 15:00
Everton v Middlesbrough 17:30
Sunday 18th September 2016
Watford v Man Utd 12:00
Crystal Palace v Stoke 14:15
Southampton v Swansea 14:15
Tottenham v Sunderland 16:30
Lock up your daughters and your centre mids who reckon they've got a pretty good handle on this ball control lark because - back after a lengthy hiatus, to give all his adoring fans what they've been missing for so long - it's Mousa Dembele time! Also, CosLamp is doing another write-up, so roll your eyes and tough it out through the next few paragraphs in the fruitless hope that I don't try and compare Leicester v Burnley to the plot of beloved 80s movie Predator.
Our weekend begins on Friday because fuck me, football is determined to slowly seep into every facet of your week now like an unwelcome structural damp. Yeah, everything looks fine but then one day you lift up the skirting board in the conservatory and find out that Yannick Bolasie and Kevin Mirallas are in there and you have to tear the whole thing down. No amount of cool, modern rebranding will make your average fan want to get on a train fresh from work on a Friday night and travel all the way from London to Liverpool, but that's exactly what all the Liverpool fans will have to do.
CosLamp Prediction sponsored by HSBC: At least one of you bites on the above statement
Despite having a squad so small it has been deemed legally unsafe, Hull are somehow not 20th with -4 points and instead find themselves dead level with their Saturday lunchtime opponents. Expect Robert Snodgrass and the other 4 senior players in the side to battle hard against an Arsenal side who looked somewhat lost during their Champions League opener against PSG. Remember when Jake Livermore got done for having a coke habit? Good times.
Santander Predictions in cooperation with CosLamp: I dunno, 1-1?
Leicester are 16th. Burnley are 15th. In any other season this would be a statement without much surprise or merit, but, in case you'd forgotten that football has lost its collective mind over the last 12 months, Leicester are the reigning fucking champions and just won their first ever European tie In Bruges, 3-0. It's like a fuckin' fairytale.
Metro Bank's CosLamp Prediction: Jamie Vardy films midgets
Listen, I know this write up hasn't been my best. I'm rusty, and a summer of general shitposting doesn't quite get you ready for when the bright lights are on and a baying crowd of literally several people are eagerly expecting you to perform. As part of a continuing effort to remind myself of when I used to be decent at this, I've re-read a couple of my old write-ups and noticed an alarming trend. West Ham vs West Brom appears at an alarming rate. Potentially 4 or 5 times per season. Have I uncovered the greatest conspiracy of the Premier League era? Answer; who cares, it's West Ham v fucking West Brom.
Lloyd's presents the CosLamp Prediction by Lloyd's: The ones with West in the name.
I like Middlesbrough. My memories of them seemingly consistently beating United 3-2 every year despite being perpetually on the brink of relegation are fond ones, filled with generous helpings of Mark Viduka. Everton had a charisma-free void of a Scotsman in charge and were actually quite good. Them was simpler times. Fast forward to 2016 and Boro are back, Mark Viduka is dead and Alvaro Negredo will score 2 headers and everyone will feel sorry for Roberto Martinez despite the fact he's taken a very talented squad quite demonstrably backwards.
CosLamp's TSB's CosLamp's TSB Predictions: 3-2 'Boro. Quedrue x2, Viduka x1
Watford, then, and the As-yet-unbranded One (in a remarkable show of solidarity with this year's Barclays-free effort) brings his Manchester United side down to the famed axis of North and South, where pie barms and ploughman's sandwiches are sold side-by-side in shops and you can pronounce 'bath' however you fucking like without anyone having a go, to shithouse a 1-0 win and then go home.
Predictions by Co-Op Bank sponsored by CosLamp: Mourinho to pronounce 'bath' wrong in postgame press conference and everyone has a go
This writeup had worked out tremendously thus far, dangerous introspection during the West(Ham v Brom) notwithstanding, with a whole load of matches containing at least one team with something interesting to say about them. And so I present to you, Crystal Palace vs Stoke. A game so exciting I had to scroll back up to check who was playing in it TWICE while writing that last sentence.
NatLamp's Predictions brought to you by CosWest: 64 minutes of actual football to be played interspersed with 26 full minutes of players doing that thing where they run up to take throw-ins then stop and do it again to surreptitiously advance down the pitch.
Speaking of who the hell cares?; Southampton v Swansea. Stu the hell cares. Kind of. lol stuchelseafan19 lol, etc.
Predictions (Radio Edit) - CosLamp (feat. Banks): I'm running out of banks that aren't, y'know, that one, so I googled 'Banks' because sometimes I use the internet much in the way that yer da might. Turns out there's a pretty decent bird goes by that name so she's sponsoring this one.
Wednesday night was a record breaker for English football, as the crowd that watched Spurs consummately Spurs it up against an inferior but efficient Monaco side was the largest in English competitive history. Reports of me boldly predicting a 9-2 win are unconfirmed. Sunderland are doing alright, I think? They're not last, which is pretty good by Sunderland's standards for mid September. I fully understand if you skipped these scattered musings on the actual upcoming football match and went to the predictions bit where all the good bits are.
Predictions from that First Direct platypus, as voiced by CosLamp: Nigel Adkins bursts into my room, temples throbbing. "BARCLAYS!" he shouts. "BARCLAYS PREMIER LEAGUE! You did a whole write up based around the fact that it's called the fucking Barclays Premier League!" Letting go is hard for some, easy for others - like when someone asks Ben Davies to man-mark from set pieces. Oh, right, yeah; 9-2.
Our weekend begins on Friday because fuck me, football is determined to slowly seep into every facet of your week now like an unwelcome structural damp. Yeah, everything looks fine but then one day you lift up the skirting board in the conservatory and find out that Yannick Bolasie and Kevin Mirallas are in there and you have to tear the whole thing down. No amount of cool, modern rebranding will make your average fan want to get on a train fresh from work on a Friday night and travel all the way from London to Liverpool, but that's exactly what all the Liverpool fans will have to do.
CosLamp Prediction sponsored by HSBC: At least one of you bites on the above statement
Despite having a squad so small it has been deemed legally unsafe, Hull are somehow not 20th with -4 points and instead find themselves dead level with their Saturday lunchtime opponents. Expect Robert Snodgrass and the other 4 senior players in the side to battle hard against an Arsenal side who looked somewhat lost during their Champions League opener against PSG. Remember when Jake Livermore got done for having a coke habit? Good times.
Santander Predictions in cooperation with CosLamp: I dunno, 1-1?
Leicester are 16th. Burnley are 15th. In any other season this would be a statement without much surprise or merit, but, in case you'd forgotten that football has lost its collective mind over the last 12 months, Leicester are the reigning fucking champions and just won their first ever European tie In Bruges, 3-0. It's like a fuckin' fairytale.
Metro Bank's CosLamp Prediction: Jamie Vardy films midgets
Listen, I know this write up hasn't been my best. I'm rusty, and a summer of general shitposting doesn't quite get you ready for when the bright lights are on and a baying crowd of literally several people are eagerly expecting you to perform. As part of a continuing effort to remind myself of when I used to be decent at this, I've re-read a couple of my old write-ups and noticed an alarming trend. West Ham vs West Brom appears at an alarming rate. Potentially 4 or 5 times per season. Have I uncovered the greatest conspiracy of the Premier League era? Answer; who cares, it's West Ham v fucking West Brom.
Lloyd's presents the CosLamp Prediction by Lloyd's: The ones with West in the name.
I like Middlesbrough. My memories of them seemingly consistently beating United 3-2 every year despite being perpetually on the brink of relegation are fond ones, filled with generous helpings of Mark Viduka. Everton had a charisma-free void of a Scotsman in charge and were actually quite good. Them was simpler times. Fast forward to 2016 and Boro are back, Mark Viduka is dead and Alvaro Negredo will score 2 headers and everyone will feel sorry for Roberto Martinez despite the fact he's taken a very talented squad quite demonstrably backwards.
CosLamp's TSB's CosLamp's TSB Predictions: 3-2 'Boro. Quedrue x2, Viduka x1
Watford, then, and the As-yet-unbranded One (in a remarkable show of solidarity with this year's Barclays-free effort) brings his Manchester United side down to the famed axis of North and South, where pie barms and ploughman's sandwiches are sold side-by-side in shops and you can pronounce 'bath' however you fucking like without anyone having a go, to shithouse a 1-0 win and then go home.
Predictions by Co-Op Bank sponsored by CosLamp: Mourinho to pronounce 'bath' wrong in postgame press conference and everyone has a go
This writeup had worked out tremendously thus far, dangerous introspection during the West(Ham v Brom) notwithstanding, with a whole load of matches containing at least one team with something interesting to say about them. And so I present to you, Crystal Palace vs Stoke. A game so exciting I had to scroll back up to check who was playing in it TWICE while writing that last sentence.
NatLamp's Predictions brought to you by CosWest: 64 minutes of actual football to be played interspersed with 26 full minutes of players doing that thing where they run up to take throw-ins then stop and do it again to surreptitiously advance down the pitch.
Speaking of who the hell cares?; Southampton v Swansea. Stu the hell cares. Kind of. lol stuchelseafan19 lol, etc.
Predictions (Radio Edit) - CosLamp (feat. Banks): I'm running out of banks that aren't, y'know, that one, so I googled 'Banks' because sometimes I use the internet much in the way that yer da might. Turns out there's a pretty decent bird goes by that name so she's sponsoring this one.
Wednesday night was a record breaker for English football, as the crowd that watched Spurs consummately Spurs it up against an inferior but efficient Monaco side was the largest in English competitive history. Reports of me boldly predicting a 9-2 win are unconfirmed. Sunderland are doing alright, I think? They're not last, which is pretty good by Sunderland's standards for mid September. I fully understand if you skipped these scattered musings on the actual upcoming football match and went to the predictions bit where all the good bits are.
Predictions from that First Direct platypus, as voiced by CosLamp: Nigel Adkins bursts into my room, temples throbbing. "BARCLAYS!" he shouts. "BARCLAYS PREMIER LEAGUE! You did a whole write up based around the fact that it's called the fucking Barclays Premier League!" Letting go is hard for some, easy for others - like when someone asks Ben Davies to man-mark from set pieces. Oh, right, yeah; 9-2.